So Close (Enchanted OST)

I've been listening to this lately.
It's a soundtrack from the movie "Enchanted"

So close

You're in my arms, and all the world is calm

The music playing on for only two

So close together,and when I'm with you

So close to feeling alive

A life goes by, romantic dreams must die

So I bid mine goodbye and never knew

So close was waiting, waiting here with you

And now forever I know

All that I want is to hold you so close

So close to reaching that famous happy end

Almost believing this one's not pretend

And now you're beside me and look how far we've come

So far we are so close

How could I face the faceless days

If I should lose you now?

We're so close

To reaching that famous happy end

Almost believing this one's not pretend

Let's go on dreaming for we know we are

So close...

And still so far.

I love you.

So much. :)

Note to self.

It's okay...















...right?

A feeling of assurance, doesn't seem to last.

Whether it be lack of appreciation again, I know not.
Or being born dis-rejoicing on the bright side
I want to blame it on unworthiness, yet I tried.
Was it your silence?
Because like a cyclical thing, I'm losing interest about EVERYTHING once again.

Like...today.

There would be these days that you want to just pass by hastily.

For reasons you too couldn't figure out what. 

Though as normal as each day everyday, you wish it would just...end. 

I'm not even leaving, yet I wanna go home.

Let's just hope the weather would indulge.

Though ,I doubt it.

Sigh.

I couldn't think of a title. Let's say,"Random"?

Let's talk random. Since my mood is on a "not bad" mode right now which usually doesn't last,let's talk about random little accomplishment, fun and beauty, while I'm at it.

So,couple of days ago,after 396 years,I decided to clean the new definition of apocalypse-my room. I spent the first couple of minutes staring blankly on the mess not knowing where to start. I felt like throwing everything out. 

Uh, messy table.

And guess what. My room was stuck on the past. I realized I had same calendar on my wall for the past 
years.

Year 2007. I don't even want to imagine what you're thinking about me now.

Usually, I use my phone for date matters. Thus ,the calendar. You must be thinking that it took 3 years before I decided to clean my room again right, but no. I just didn't know why I decided to remove it just now. So, anyway it's gone. I replaced it with a painting. Bye year 2007. Finally.
 
Hello organized room. I started cleaning in the morning and finished in the afternoon. Everything's in order. Ahh, that felt good. And so...

Hot and Spicy noodles for snack!

Yum! That's the price I gave myself. :D AND of course, a more comfortable world.
Accomplishment, accomplished. It really felt that way.


Random number two, BEAUTY. My mom's flowery plants. I just love taking pictures of them. Here are some.

I don't know the name of this flower. I'll try asking my mom

Mom's orchids. I love them!

Beautiful, eh? 
Random number three. Yesterday, I found one of our cats sleeping inside a pot of a plant. Yep!

Nice bed!

Peek-a-boo! I see you.

Haha! Cutie! Yeah...seriously, I haven't got anything to do.
It's better than spending time memorizing lyrics of lady gaga's songs, though.

"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies."


Uh-huh. 

Happy birthday to me?

8:05 pm, September 28, '10. Almost 4 hours left before the day of my birth.

My birthday.
I'm excited? No. Well, I  don't know. The pessimistic side of me is roaring in it's cage.
It's not like I'm afraid it won't turn out extravagant. It's not about that. I don't really plan on doing anything actually. But I don't want it to turn out bad on the other hand. It's just that, I'm reminded of something on the exact same date. It wasn't pleasant. And whether it be the same again, would be depending on some decisions.

Well, it's my birthday and I'm stuck with choices I have to make.

Should I fit myself inside an hourglass and flow with the sand? (What if nothing happens after countless times of flipping up and down?)
or put myself inside a freezer and pretend it's not cold? (What if after I freeze,I break into pieces?)
or should I put the hourglass inside the  freezer drink the sand then convince myself that it's sweet? (How much can I lie to myself?)

One of the hardest thing about making a choice is when none of your choices is wrong, yet knowing that not one of them can make you happy either. Each of these is hard and will really hurt. But whether I like it or not, I have to choose.Well, even if I don't choose ,one is bound to come to pass anyway, so I'm still left no choice. I still have no idea what, but whatever my decision will be, even if all of them would kill me, I just hope I could pick the one that will make things turn out...perhaps...better.
Because, it's not just about a single day. It's about the rest of my life.

I can't think straight.
I'm soo confused and I just wanna go crazy.

The grief of realization

You're the day...

I'm the night.

That's why we can't be together.

Letting go? Moving on? You're free to disagree.

Once when me and my mom were talking outside, while she was tending to her plants, a tall flowery plant in a pot caught my attention. It was flowery and lush on the bottom part but a stem had grown so tall making it bare from that point on, until the top part that was again very flowery. So it looked bald at the middle part and I told my mom that it looks funny. She said that she was supposed to cut the stem short so that new buds will start sprouting and so that it wouldn't look so plain on the middle part, but couldn't do it because cutting it would mean including the top part that was very flowery and she couldn't take it.

So then, my mind went to a flash back to one of the conversations I had with someone (read:him). We were at the time when we were struggling with our feelings for each other and what to do with them. It was hard because he already has someone by his side and knowing him who always stands for the conviction of "doing the right thing" he told me that he decided to stop any communication that we have. Of course I couldn't agree. Nor did the right thing ever mattered to me at that time. Over the many demands and questions I tried to strongly disagree with his decision, I asked him if he could bear to not talk to me anymore (We talk EVERYDAY at that time). He smiled and said "Sometimes, you have to let go to move on".

Then there was my mother in front of me again explaining about the plant when I suddenly uttered "Ma, sometimes you have to let go to move on" while feeling smarty pants and a loser at the same time. She just looked at me plainly and smiled. Am I even at the right position to say that? Who is?

Letting go. Moving on. Like some trending topics in twitter, these are trending topics in life too. Different explanations. Different versions. A hundred. A thousand.Yet no one could ever truly explain how. It's actually a cliche already to even blog about them. I've read so much about letting go or moving on. When will we ever realize that they mean the same thing in the first place? Was it so hard for letting go to be defined so they invented the new term moving on just to justify what was left unexplained not realizing it's just another term for it?

I don't know with others but as I struggle doing that, for trying real hard all these years and until now to do that with the SAME person, heck still the same person, I've got to thinking that maybe it's not really a process. It's an OUTCOME. Or result. Like when making a decision. Sometimes, you never know what to choose until after you chose it. You don't DO it. You just DID it .(Yes,this time,that makes sense) It may sound strange but once you felt it, you will understand.
When you're holding a hand and then let go, it's a one-time-act. Either you're holding the hand or you let it go. Nothing in between. You will know if you had already let go, after you already did. 
So I've always thought that people who say they're letting go or moving on, pretend it.
Because there's no such thing as "LETTING GO". Just "HAD LET GO".
No such thing as "MOVING ON", only "MOVED ON".

The stem wasn't cut down until now, anyway, in case you're wondering. 

And after the many goodbyes and coming back, -it's harder every time-we're still pretty much on the same situation. 
But this time, I feel like, I'm struggling alone.

I don't get it.

Why  ask, when I know you knew I wasn't?
Why do, when you already knew it was?

'Coz, yet, you didn't stay.

I miss you via LBC

I was looking for something, when I found a folded paper between one of a book's pages. I read it and was shaking my head and smiling again. It's a letter-poem to be exact-that a friend sent me before going somewhere to do a noble work, more than two months ago. 
For some background check, I've known him for long but we weren't really that close to each other until he and his family had to move to a different city. After quite some time of not having contact, we began to talk again on the net often, helping and listening to each other whenever we have problems, to the point that I personally considered him a best friend, and then we would send each other things, just simple things, some time. :D 
Anyway,I wanted to share the poem. So here goes...

I wish to write as long as I can
I've been at this for days
Been three days since I began
Now I have this poem I dedicate to you
Believe me,I swear,no lies,all true.


So let's start it with a feeling I want you to feel
Think of cold Decembers
What a terrible chill
The coldness creeping up and down your spine
The feeling that you feel when sorrows come through time


Now think of the spring through the coldness of winter
While the frost knocks your door and comes by the windows
Feel the sun's heat as he gives you his rays
The beauty of all his warmth filled days


Note the feeling you feel when you feel the sun's heat
Feel the rays touching you
Removing the frosty bits
The feel of the refreshing summer blue


The first thing I want you to know
Is Im thankful for the times
You brushed away my snow
With your giggles,laughs and rhymes


The time feels appropriate
To give you all my thanks
For the glooming turned to laughter
For your joking and your pranks


I just find you comforting
Talking to you that is
I feel happy having you around
Even though it's just on the net


The next would be I guess
The times of all our laughs
The crazy things we made and did
The late night talks we had


I just forget time when it comes to you
Not that I know what time it is
I just don't mind it going way off
While our conversation goes through


It's just fun having to talk like this
The way we talk
The way we laugh
Times of fun and bliss
I've got little time left
Before I go away
I believe I'm gonna miss this
All our laughs and ways


Third would be advices I'm really grateful for
They may not be that great at times
But makes me laugh,rolling on the floor
Those times I much adore...


Fourth would be the care I really see in you
It may be jokes sometimes
But I see sincerity sometimes too


The love you gave I always loved to feel
It may not be much for you
But for me,it's a big deal


Fifth,the games you and I would play
The times when we run out of words to say
We would find a game that would fit the mood
And play around,play,just play..


Sixth,the never ending stories you tell about your man
I know it sounds crazy
But I'm happy about them
Not that I'm happy that it's going all wrong
I'm happy coz I know
That you trust me really strong...


Seventh,the time I met you back then
Way back in high school,kindergarten? :p
I was twelve with height of a ten
Always wanted to see you often...


Eight would be the tie
That you sent with a car
A washing machine and probably...
A really cool guitar
Really happy to have it
Autographed by you,my favorite star... :D


Ninth,would be the statuses
On facebook that we had
The crazy engagement trips
Marriages and divorces
They made me so glad


Tenth,would be the hugs
Imaginations that we had
The kisses that were out of jokes
The sweetness that was mad...


Eleventh would be insanity
We have a lot of that
I'm thankful for you giving me some
Of your overflowing insanity bag


Twelfth would be last night
While I was on my death bed of gloom
You made me laugh with craziness
Smiling in my room... :)


It's fun how things have finally turned out
I know that you're my friend
Sure of it,no doubt
And of all things to be grateful for
I'm glad the He gave me a butterfly
You to me,to adore


Gonna miss you real bad
Don't make me sad
No matter what happens
I know that you
Will be there for me...
You,for me..
And me,for you...


-A butterfly too

I mustn't forget to write a letter soon for I bet he's already furious at me for not even saying a word.
Friends really are something. :)
Anyway, here's a picture of him that he sent with that poem.

LOL!

My index finger still has an ink stain on it.

Right now, my throat is the lead character on the story of my life. Well, it hurts so bad since yesterday and it ruins everything. Enough said. But it's not taking the lead on this blog too.

Anyway, this time is an important time, here on our beloved-the judgement of sarcasm is upon the reader's character :D- country. (Is it?)Three days ago was the election for new leaders. It's everywhere on the news, streets, on the web, phones, conversations, even on money. And of course let's not forget the special participation of our courageous staple wires that took a big part on the event. I'm not going to make a pledge of helping out our new president plan for his wedding reception ,here though. Politics is not really part of my spices. Anybody could take a position for all I care. Yes, irresponsible citizen! Rally me.
You can say that because you're not earning your own money yet and when the time comes that you have to use the powers and the amulet that was passed from your great great grandfather down to your generation to take part on the fight between men and economy, Jelly, you'll say, yes, you do care about politics. Aye?
Touche.
Okay, I just wanted to say that for the first time, I took part on choosing the new captains. I was kinda excited, actually. I've always loved the art on every scene of any sweet and hectic rush. I appreciate the atmosphere. Let's just hope that the new lead characters of our economy life wouldn't hurt so much like my throat.

You know when there's some significant thing that happens to you and you always can't wait to share it to someone dearest? When suddenly you realize there's none anymore, you could give anything just to say the words.


"Hey, I voted too."
I wish I could tell you.


Anyway, my index finger still has an ink stain on it.

Mistake?

Because we cannot look at each other's eyes without weeping
Because your words are my heart and it's my soul your singing
Because everyone's got a story to sell ,the world starts to smell

And because of this,and this and that
are the reasons for this
But still this is not


And because nobody wants to be someone else
and because I cry, you choose something else


Yet we shake. And hearts break.

Happy Birthday,beloved.

The tired song plays with the scene
Whilst the eyes behold the only letters I sing
Why are the words muted?
When for every single day they are what I conceive
Everything conveys motion
Yet the mind recognizes none but a blurry space.
Whither shall I place the heart
When from the start
the missing breathe is meant to be missing
But then, waiting in vain
Just the same
The you who I commend my dreams to
The reason for the coming apart of the soul
Yet the undying requital towards the day
That opened the grant to ever know you
If I could'nt  have but an answered prayer
I'd give anything to stand here, this day
And feel you...
Times to pass will melt
The countless tears wont count
Because even if you part
You'll forever hold a place in my heart.

Paranoid.

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Total eclipse of the heart.

"Dusk is just an illusion
because the sun is either above the horizon or below it.
And that means that day and night are linked in a way
that few things there cannot be one without the other
yet they cannot exist at the same time.


How would it feel,
I remember wondering
to be always together yet forever apart?"

Dear God...

I feel like I'm dying.