Happy birthday to me?

8:05 pm, September 28, '10. Almost 4 hours left before the day of my birth.

My birthday.
I'm excited? No. Well, I  don't know. The pessimistic side of me is roaring in it's cage.
It's not like I'm afraid it won't turn out extravagant. It's not about that. I don't really plan on doing anything actually. But I don't want it to turn out bad on the other hand. It's just that, I'm reminded of something on the exact same date. It wasn't pleasant. And whether it be the same again, would be depending on some decisions.

Well, it's my birthday and I'm stuck with choices I have to make.

Should I fit myself inside an hourglass and flow with the sand? (What if nothing happens after countless times of flipping up and down?)
or put myself inside a freezer and pretend it's not cold? (What if after I freeze,I break into pieces?)
or should I put the hourglass inside the  freezer drink the sand then convince myself that it's sweet? (How much can I lie to myself?)

One of the hardest thing about making a choice is when none of your choices is wrong, yet knowing that not one of them can make you happy either. Each of these is hard and will really hurt. But whether I like it or not, I have to choose.Well, even if I don't choose ,one is bound to come to pass anyway, so I'm still left no choice. I still have no idea what, but whatever my decision will be, even if all of them would kill me, I just hope I could pick the one that will make things turn out...perhaps...better.
Because, it's not just about a single day. It's about the rest of my life.

I can't think straight.
I'm soo confused and I just wanna go crazy.

The grief of realization

You're the day...

I'm the night.

That's why we can't be together.

Letting go? Moving on? You're free to disagree.

Once when me and my mom were talking outside, while she was tending to her plants, a tall flowery plant in a pot caught my attention. It was flowery and lush on the bottom part but a stem had grown so tall making it bare from that point on, until the top part that was again very flowery. So it looked bald at the middle part and I told my mom that it looks funny. She said that she was supposed to cut the stem short so that new buds will start sprouting and so that it wouldn't look so plain on the middle part, but couldn't do it because cutting it would mean including the top part that was very flowery and she couldn't take it.

So then, my mind went to a flash back to one of the conversations I had with someone (read:him). We were at the time when we were struggling with our feelings for each other and what to do with them. It was hard because he already has someone by his side and knowing him who always stands for the conviction of "doing the right thing" he told me that he decided to stop any communication that we have. Of course I couldn't agree. Nor did the right thing ever mattered to me at that time. Over the many demands and questions I tried to strongly disagree with his decision, I asked him if he could bear to not talk to me anymore (We talk EVERYDAY at that time). He smiled and said "Sometimes, you have to let go to move on".

Then there was my mother in front of me again explaining about the plant when I suddenly uttered "Ma, sometimes you have to let go to move on" while feeling smarty pants and a loser at the same time. She just looked at me plainly and smiled. Am I even at the right position to say that? Who is?

Letting go. Moving on. Like some trending topics in twitter, these are trending topics in life too. Different explanations. Different versions. A hundred. A thousand.Yet no one could ever truly explain how. It's actually a cliche already to even blog about them. I've read so much about letting go or moving on. When will we ever realize that they mean the same thing in the first place? Was it so hard for letting go to be defined so they invented the new term moving on just to justify what was left unexplained not realizing it's just another term for it?

I don't know with others but as I struggle doing that, for trying real hard all these years and until now to do that with the SAME person, heck still the same person, I've got to thinking that maybe it's not really a process. It's an OUTCOME. Or result. Like when making a decision. Sometimes, you never know what to choose until after you chose it. You don't DO it. You just DID it .(Yes,this time,that makes sense) It may sound strange but once you felt it, you will understand.
When you're holding a hand and then let go, it's a one-time-act. Either you're holding the hand or you let it go. Nothing in between. You will know if you had already let go, after you already did. 
So I've always thought that people who say they're letting go or moving on, pretend it.
Because there's no such thing as "LETTING GO". Just "HAD LET GO".
No such thing as "MOVING ON", only "MOVED ON".

The stem wasn't cut down until now, anyway, in case you're wondering. 

And after the many goodbyes and coming back, -it's harder every time-we're still pretty much on the same situation. 
But this time, I feel like, I'm struggling alone.