Don't let me fall - by Lenka

Underneath the moon, underneath the stars
Here's a little heart for you
Up above the world, up above it all
Here's a hand to hold on to

But if I should break, if I should fall away
What am I to do?
I need someone to take a little of the weight
Or I'll fall through

You're just the one that I've been waiting for
I'll give you all that I have to give and more
But don't let me fall


We will be alright, I'll be by your side
I won't let you down
But I gotta know no matter how things go
That you will be alright


You'll be the one that I'll love forever more
I'll be here holding you high above it all
But don't let me fall

PMS:The root of all evil?

"That time of the month"

Okay. So this entry is going to be a little bit sensitive. Perhaps (to some) because of the chosen subject or (for me) coz it's occurring. Yes, thank you.
Well, I was feeling weird, grumpy and irrational whole day, the other day and a part of my mind was pointing it out already, the culprit, but I chose to blame it to whatever else until I saw an article, while I was browsing facebook a while ago. It was about a picture of a baby, obviously newly-born, found floating on dirty water. I'm not exactly sure where but the baby was thrown there with all the garbage. And it really broke my heart. :(
Just like the other day, when I read an article about kittens that were abused and I was really mad. I'm really against animal abuse and yeah to think this time it's human, it's more heartbreaking. Then again, I wasn't really expecting tears until they failed me. I already had an inkling positivity of where to blame my emotional outburst to. And so, I turned face to face with the sure enemy and sole reason why I suddenly felt scared thinking about my life in the shower. PMS.

PMS(Premenstrual Syndrome) or Premenstrual dysphoric disorder, for a slight background, is a wide range of physical and emotional symptoms that typically occur a few days or at least a week before a woman starts her monthly menstrual cycle. According to Wikipedia, the three most prominent symptoms are irritability, tension and dysphoria (unhappiness) and others would include confusion, hopelessness, mood swings, anxiety, poor judgement, increased fears and so on and so forth.

Most women undergo this phase every month and I'm even surprised I could write and have it at the same time. If you know what I mean. It made sense why I was overreacting to something someone told me that I usually don't take personally. Or why I suddenly felt distance on the formation of words from someone I always find the sweetest of all human being. Thanks to my unbalanced hormonal discharge.

Anyway, I remembered writing about this same subject before and so I think I'd share a little part of what I found in my long list of pending drafts. This was written 19th of April, 2011.


"Oh the days I hate the most. Getting easily offended by just anything someone tells you. Every little thing pisses you off. Being on a rebellious phase wherein you feel like disobeying everything. You don't feel like tolerating anybody's crap, especially yours. You always feel like throwing everything that doesn't work properly, like this stupid USB mouse with the left click crapping out. Thinking that even crapping out is such a gentle term to describe it. When "MIND YOUR OWN BEESWAX!!" keeps playing on your mind all day. Facebook is extra boring. And people you usually miss, get on your nerves."

Obviously I was suffering from PMS too while I was writing that but seemed a lot more lunatic than my condition right now and so there's no doubt it turned out unfinished. It was still that time I was feeling that everything was falling apart. And that would be on normal days, imagine on PMS phases. So yeah, basically that short extraction simply described what it's like to have a roller coaster of emotion inside. I'm pretty sure men and  women both experience their share of  mood swings but for some reason female mood swings are just so obvious. When men are cranky, they usually assume, 'It's a bad day! or don't bug me!' but for women, the mood is just so unstable, it goes up and down like a roller coaster ride. Predictability is an enemy on this women hormonal heck.

Well I guess what I'm just really trying to say is that we, women, have this majestic excuse for our sudden psycho days and it might as well be of good use for men to know the matter as well and understand why women as they always wonder, are confusing and unstable sometimes.
And yes, it's no fun really to be in this phase called PMS but it's kinda relieving to know, no, it's A LOT relieving to know that when the sky suddenly turns grey, red-orange, blue and back to grey again, there's always something to blame it to.
Without  taking it personally. ;)

Scribble me love.

Green and orange.
Chibi me and you. :D

Caricature by: Japex Montekristo

Irony.

Though feelings are out of our control
A pinch of contrition about what particular things we just felt is irrevocable
And it's funny how it justifies what the subject originally conveys.

A letter from a Pirate King y'all!

"Oh Dearest Queen,

Me read yer message and me wa like..
What in tarnation is happnin'..
Wer yer time flashin back to the Spaniard time aye?
Me think on ye lass..
All the time me lovely queen..
Yer winds me blow and yer waves me crash..
But yer always no that me sendes me deepest devotions to yer..
me beloved queen..
Me feel it such an honor to be treatin' yer doin' to me..
Me feels like the seas all calm coz of yer love and care..
aye.. my dear lass.. yer always in me heart..
yer always in me mind..
and one day..
me ship me sailin' gonna dock at yer arms..
till that day.. me gonna tell the wind to send ye me sweetest love..
sweeter than all yer pickles and eggs..

Me love yer highness..

Yer First Mate,
Your Pirate King "


-Amateur,no? Haha. Still the best. 

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

Yes, changes. Tons of plans. Heaps of changes. Snapped, occurring and pending.
Blissful am I? Aye. And a new blog title is a legacy of indication. Finally.
I've always wanted a new one. But I took my time contemplating to summon the thought. 
Considered many, ended up with sweet, cold and colorless. 


Change. The perfect subject of inevitability. I often wonder if it's a foe or a comrade. If it is both, what is it called then?
I don't really know but mostly it comes by surprise. And surprise can have opposite meanings.
They say there's nothing permanent in this world except for change. No one can argue with that. Everyone is subject to metamorphosis and phases. Even changes, change.
And it has different kinds. A change for the call of requisite, a change for doom, a change for betterment, you name them. But what I really want to touch with is the beauty it holds. The change for remedy. 


On one of your long battles of war with the world and yourself, a passerby in life will knock and offer you an ice cream. Yes, ice cream. It'll revive you of what the taste of sweetness is again. And there would come your deliverance.
The changes from the smallest and simplest things of great influence. 
From the songs you listen to and the name you utter.
Your passwords on online accounts and the profile names on your phone.
The contents of your blog site and subject of your poems.
What you do before you sleep and what your thoughts are.
From your favorite numbers and colors
To whom you take photos for 
The foods you eat and the movies you watch
The pictures on your wallet and the words you use
And what things remind you of.
Your prayers alter.
Your plans change.


Suddenly you're building a different world. And the thing is, they didn't come by surprise as what changes usually do.It could be the scariest thing. But it is beautiful now.


And it could all start with one sweet soul. 

The rain and you.

I tried writing a poem about rain.

As usual, I didn't finish. It's like, there were the feelings but words were lost. It was weird coz I really wanted to write it. And still there it went with my collection of many others called drafts.

Sometimes I'm more of a starter. Less of a finisher. Not that I feel lazy but because I linger through it for too long. 

I wanted to write a poem about rain because it was raining. And then what? How dense.Why rain? And why talk about it right now? I felt that if I wouldn't finish it, this day wouldn't be complete. Not for seizure but for escape. And it didn't. So I decided to just talk about it to compensate for the lost words. But still, why is that so important? And now,  that the rain's gone. 

Then questions flashed. Is it the rain?  Is it yesterday? Is it those words? Is it me?

It is you. 

How I long for you. The you who's now part of things that vacate and linger on my world. Like the rain.

How I miss you. Can the rain be blamed for intensifying the yearning? Maybe not. But you see, the rain and me, we got issues.

As for the poem, it's not staying hidden. It'll be continued the time the two factors that cause the urge, meet again. Longing and rain. And you see, longing is a constant part.

I tried writing a poem about you.

I have you

Sometimes

All the world can seem so friendless

And the road ahead so endless

And the dream so far away.

Sometimes

When I'm almost to surrender

Then I stop and I remember. . .

I have you to save my day.

That Loving Task

 -The vindication to the inquisition. :p

How do I even start to explain just what's happening

Lately there were these scenes I keep replaying

Why all of a sudden they have infested my mind

How I tried,but just can't seem to leave them behind

 Words of beauty flooded my head

Pondering for the right words to be said

Overwhelming affection that fills the heart

Wondering,from it,could I ever part?

But then came a familiar battle with time

Afraid the sweet soul wasn't really mine

Thinking I could just eventually lose it

Afraid I just had to let go of it

Truth is I wanted neither go or stay

Settled for the safest risk I could play

Thought it'd fall where it is rightfully be

Convincing myself it's not here with me

But the heart was wanting

The heart was calling for

Not sure it'd be the same again

Like what it was before

I was on the part of conceding

But something bizarre was happening

Whenever you enter my thoughts

I couldn't stop smiling

So came with understanding is hoping

In Providence's pow'r I kept relying

That if by will He'd open the door

I'd give what I could give and more

And now,I've come to believe in you

I'll take your heart,please take mine too

As for the sweetest question asked

My king,yes I do,I accept that loving task.

You paint yellows on my blues! :)

The inevitable.

This morning when I woke up. . .
.

There were mascara stains on my hand.

Undying gratitude

"...but are you happy now?"

-You're giving me reasons to be.

"Can I give you more reasons? :)"

My dearest alarm clock

Why you never fail to wake me up every 9:30  in the morning despite staying up with me till 3 am,I'm touched
Why you always manage to wake me up inside with your words and tenderness,I am moved.
The sound of the stroke you make is not noise anymore but music
Every second I used to want to spend sleeping,I stay awake and spend with you
I don't really count time but time counted every time we talked
And if anythings special about counting,it would be not being able to number the times you say,"i love you"
Mr alarm clock,who loved asking the obvious must be wondering if I love it when he does that
I say flowers love the touch of butterflies,do they not?
Just want you to know that you're the only alarm clock that still works even when out of batteries
Like being lost to some of our late night talks for being tired,stubborn but still the sweetest. 
Some of the things I've told you,I haven't told anyone yet.
But they won't compare to how you make me feel being so special.
I couldn't think of a word more appropriate than thank you
Do you think it would make up if I just tell you,I love you?
I'm not good with mornings...
I go mindless with time..
When, again,are you going to wake me up?
The days we loved wont be the same for a while
The laughter,the teasing,for a while would be missing
My dear mr.alarm clock,
Why didn't you stop the time?


P.S. -This is just a punishment for a game we played. Don't take the words seriously.


P.P.S. -I'm kidding. I love you!

How can I not love you

Cannot touch
Cannot hold
Cannot be together
Cannot love
Cannot kiss
Cannot have each other

Must be strong
And we must let go
Cannot say
What our hearts must know

How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart?
When do I not want you
Here in my arms

How does one waltz away
from all of the memories?
How do I not miss you
when you are gone

Cannot dream
Cannot share
sweet and tender moments
Cannot feel
what we feel
Must pretend it's over

Must be brave
And we must go on
Must not say
What we've known all long

How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart?
When did I not want you
here in my arms

How does one waltz away
from all of the memories?
How do I not miss you
when you are gone

How can I not love you
when you are gone...



*soundtrack from the movie "Ana and the King"
*watch video here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFqiRmUcnAk

Thursday.

I keep getting upset over the same reason.
I guess no matter how many times you've been slapped before, a slap is a slap.
It will hurt every time.
And the thing is, I made a good plan for myself tonight.
A movie, a comedy one.
How could I ever laugh?
Foods I'm craving for,I listed in my mind
Will I enjoy them?
Life has a funny way of taking just a small moment of silence,
to make a good plan turn the other way around
And a fine day to end upside down.

I made a choice.

I made a choice.

Was it because I wanted to? No.

Was it because I needed to? No.

Then what? I don't know.

I made a choice.

I shouldn't grieve.

And yet. . .

The chocolate cake I was eating, wasn't sweet.

Signs, flying fishes, and dreams that are not coming true

Flying fish

Do you believe in signs? The things that happen around you that you think have something to tell you about a certain decision you can't make up your mind to. In confusions, people often say, "please give me a sign!" and you can even imagine the desperation. Do you ask for them?

I, honestly, am one of those sign-seekers. I don't really have the perfect affirmation that they really help or have something to do with the decisions I have to make. I just feel like, I needed to feel that even my circumstances are aware of my confusions and are willing to make an easier way for me. That I'm not alone cracking up my mind with uncertainties and that there's something else I can depend on. Or maybe, those are just excuses. Maybe, I just really wanna believe that they are real because I've always hoped that perhaps they happen through Divine Providence for I always ask for them in prayers.

Then again, there wasn't really a moment in my life that anything like a sign winked at me on the corner telling me that it's a comrade...except for one.
You see, there's this "something" I'm stuck with. I'm thinking how I can convey what it is I'm stuck with but I can't come up with something simple. Let's call it DREAMS. Let's call it, HOPE. Let's call it, WAITING.

"...It's like waiting for a fish to fly..." is what I always say whenever I have someone else to tell the story to. You know it can't, yet you still wait. They would smile sadly because deep inside I can tell that they couldn't agree more. Because seriously, if the fish can't fly, just flippin' leave it alone! (I feel like adding a hundred more exclamation points) But there was this one time I was talking with a friend with the mentioned phrase and he was like "...but fishes do fly, right?" Me was, "?" Then he said, "Yeaaahh, GOOGLE it!" So I googled it and presto, I'M STUPID. They do fly! You can imagine the pathetic tone on the voice but no, it didn't matter to me at that time nor did it even enter my mind. Instead,the first thing that I could think of was, "Is that a sign?" A sign that I shouldn't give up? Is it, really? Or was I just  choosing to see it as a sign due to my need of internal encouragement? And is my now turning to pigs(or don't tell me they fly too)an indication? It doesn't matter.

I hope I could make this an affirmation that it was indeed a sign, and that yes, signs do exist but I still don't know. Right now, i still couldn't give up. Not because I finally knew that fishes do fly, but because...I couldn't.

So whether you can now finally laugh with the friends you told that to and agreed with you, for sharing the same stupidity, doesn't matter. Or the weakening disappointment that not anything can make a pig fly. And whether signs really do exist or not, doesn't matter.

Because in the end,the choice is still YOURS to make.

Moon ring

Today, I asked someone...
 "Did you see the moon?"

He said
 "Yeah...pretty."

And I felt like breaking down inside.